Awhile ago, my Fairy-Blog-Mother (officially writing by the name M3) wrote a series on divorce.
It is well-written, practical, and really good advice.
And I think I can say that as a general rule, I have done a pretty good job of following her ‘rules,’ so to speak, about how parents should behave when it comes to divorcing with children.
There have been times (probably more than is good) when I’ve slipped up.
My mom has told me at least as many times as we have fingers decorating our hands to shush my mouth.
There has even been a day or two where I just spoke a bit louder.
Too loud in some case.
And probably too quiet in other cases.
But, as words are context appropriate, I’m pretty sure my words, regardless of how loud or quietly they were spoken, were totally inappropriate for my Chickens.
As the time has passed, I’ve learned to bite my tongue.
Or at least what is left of it.
And I know that I need to continue gnawing at the surviving nub.
At least in front of the kids.
Or when I run into clients around town.
More smiles.
Fake laughs.
Whatever it takes.
I’m trying REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to play by the rules.
Especially when the Chickens are involved.
This isn’t their war.
And it is hard.
On the other side of the divorce, I question how many rules are being followed.
I know many have been broken.
Then covered up with lies.
The dipped and swirled in more lies.
And probably topped with a shiny red cherry…just to rub it in my face.
And the kids just don’t understand.
They are little.
They don’t get it.
I don’t get it…so, it isn’t even feasible to think they get it.
Their little worlds have been obliterated.
The least we can do as parents is keep OUR problems to ourselves and continue to celebrate our children.
We probably won’t celebrate together, mind you. At least not for (a really LONG) while.
But we need to make their little worlds as perfect as we possibly can.
We broke it. It is our job to fix it.
Followng M3’s guidelines helps to fix it.
This is a lesson to everyone.
ME.
MP
Shoot – anyone who has kids; married or not.
It is about respecting the kids and their opportunities to thrive. Knowing they are loved and valued and exceptional.
Putting them in the middle of bitterness, distrust and even hatred is wrong.
I’m feeling a little more than guilty as I write this because I know that I’ve messed up.
It hasn’t been extensive and I have tried to amend my blips.
But, one of the first posits of communication is that it is irreversible.
So, I’ve said what I’ve said…and now I just need to make sure there isn’t anymore “saying,” so to speak.
If you have taken the time to read any of what I’ve written, I’m guessing a message rings clear that I’m not very happy with where my life is (justifiably so).
But, this is my life.
And now I just need to make sure that I’m making decisions that give my Chickens a better life than they even had before.
I truly hope they never harbor the feelings I have toward their father.
I hope they love him and think he is the best thing since apple pie, princess shoes and matchbox cars as they grow up.
Not because I think he is any of those things.
But because EVERY child deserves to have a daddy to love.
And more importantly, not doubt the love their daddy has for them.
I don’t want to be that mom.
You know, the one who messes with the emotions of her kids as a form of revenge?
Yea.
Totally don’t want to be her.
And I hope that the Chicken-Daddy doesn’t want to be that kind of daddy either.
Now before you starting thinking that I’m getting all soft on MP,
STOP.
That is the FARTHEST THING from my mind.
(I could tell you more, but, that will have to happen some time in the far away future when I could tell you without dropping more explicit language that my dad thinks I have even been exposed to).
What I am thinking about is how I can be better.
How I can make sure that I am taking control of what I say, how I say it, and even what my underlying messages are when I’m talking about MY problems around the kids.
They aren’t the ones getting a divorce.
I am.
It isn’t their issue.
It’s mine.
My job is to give them a warm, loving home where they are safe.
Safe to live, love, laugh, talk, believe, confide, trust, question, run, cry, pout, explore, invent, create, push limits and exist.
I want that for them.
I want that more than I _____ M.
(Fill in the blank. I can’t decide which negative word best fits. Any one you select will surely be appropriate. It is kinda like one of those choose-your-own-adventure books).
A pretty important milestone.
Don’t you think?
I think that I have thought this for awhile. In generic terms. Thought about it enough to want to follow the rules.
But I never thought about it enough to truly BELIEVE in the rules.
Believing is what makes them powerful.
So now when I want to throw someone under the bus
(again…choose your own adventure; figuratively or literally)
I’ll bite my tongue.
I’ll rephrase.
And I’ll remember.
It is all about the Chickens.
So, with the deepest gratitude I thank you Fairy-Blog-Mother.
I owe you one.
Image may be NSFW.
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Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
